Getting Real

For me, one of the most difficult things about blogging is being "real." I had this conversation with a blogging friend a week or so ago and it's been bouncing around in my brain. I can't get rid of it. And now it's being put to the test.

It's easy to put my best foot forward in cyber-world. I am totally together when I come to you via Blogger. My make-up is perfectly applied, my wardrobe is impeccable, and I don't carry a single ounce of baby-weight. I never snap at my husband, get impatient with my children, or fail go to God with my "stuff." I am wonder-woman. After all, it's my blog, and I can be anyone I want to be.

Well, it's time for me to get real. Sorry friends, but the bubble's gonna burst today. If this makes you uncomfortable, you should probably stop reading.

Because the truth is, as I type this I'm not lookin' so pretty. I cried my make-up off in church this morning and never bothered to re-apply, I'm wearing the same jeans I wear just about every day because they're the only ones that (sort of) fit, and well, after five babies, there's just no way this old body is ever going to look like I wish it would. And that's just the outside.

My heart has been looking much worse. I've spent way too much time being angry at my husband for just about everything under the sun, my children have been the unfortunate recipients of my short-tempered outbursts, and God? Well, I put Him on the shelf and told Him to stay there while I thought I was getting everything figured out. What a mess.

My name is Sara Somma and I've been in the pit of post partum depression. I didn't blog last week because I was afraid it would show. I couldn't suck up enough strength to think of something cheery to write about, so I just bagged it.

I've struggled with PPD after each child. It has historically hit right around this same time...between the fourth and fifth month. I've heard it gets worse with each pregnancy, but I was absolutely convinced that I was going to lick it this time.

Steve and I believe God directed us to leave the baby-count in His court. There's a story behind how we got here, but it's not important today. For us, it was simply a matter of obedience.

And hey, when we choose obedience, isn't God supposed to make it easy? I was sure that for me this would mean the PPD would pass me by after Lydia's arrival. I'd be delivered! I mean, if I was allowing Him to do His will in my life, surely He wouldn't let me suffer. But He did and I have.

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks like this. That when I'm following God, He will spare me all pain and anguish. That life will be sweet and easy because I'm doing it His way. That somehow for me it will be different than it was for many of my Biblical heroes.

Noah was mocked by his friends. Abraham was called to sacrifice his son. Moses spent 40 years in the wilderness. Job lost everything. Ruth left her people. Mary carried an "illegitimate" child. Paul was beheaded. And yet, with each of these, and many, many more God received the glory of their final story.

I don't claim to be on par with any of these greats, but God is showing me that in the trials I can trust Him. And there will be trials. In fact, sometimes it seems they will never end. I am learning that even when I'm following Him life will not be easy. But He will see me through and He will provide what I need. He has and He does and He will continue.

On Saturday afternoon, as I sat with a dear mentor and friend (well, actually she was sitting and I was laying in bed with the covers over my head telling her to go away, but that doesn't sound as nice), I was lovingly reminded that I have a story to tell. Post partum or not, God has done amazing things for me.

It would be easy to keep this a cheery, happy, everything-is-perfect-with-my-life blog. Putting on the mask and a smile is second nature for me, but it's something I desperately want to change. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking anyone and I love cheery blogs! But that's not how God is directing me for now. Believe me, I wish He was!

Oh, I'll still include pictures of the kids and focus on the fun parts of our lives, but I will also begin to share my testimony. A little at a time. I'm thinking on Fridays. Some current, some catching up on how we've gotten this far. To give God the glory. He has done great things. And I am certain He's not finished.

I was almost knocked out last week. My blog went silent and I didn't think I'd be able to pick it up again. I believe in the spiritual realm and I have an Enemy who wants me quiet. Well, I'm calling his bluff. And I'm putting it in print.

We'll see where God leads and I hope you'll stay with me.