I put this song on repeat while I was in the car today. I must have played it ten times or more. It speaks to where I am: in the midst of a valley. It also speaks to where I want to be: "mov(ing) ahead bold and confident; taking every step in obedience." Faithfully waiting.
The details and specifics are unimportant, but the pain of the valley is real. I feel dry and parched and tired. A friend of mine refers to times like these as a "crisis of belief." She defines it as believing what you believe until you don't believe it anymore. It's that simple. I believe it, I know it's true, but now I just don't know if I can keep believing it. It's too hard. It hurts too much. And doesn't God know it.
He knows the circumstances, the disappointment, the discouragement. He knows when I'm trusting Him and when I try to take matters into my own hands. I know I'll come out on the other side. God will get the victory in this area of my life, but it doesn't make the waiting any less hard.
But I am waiting. I'm expecting to get to the other side. I've tried to get there in my own strength and failed. I've seen the height and breadth of the mountains that surround and felt the consuming doubt. But I'm finally coming to the point of surrender. The surrender is leaving my will in the valley so I'm not carrying the baggage of it over the mountain. If I don't unload, it will drag me down and hold me back.
Why is surrender so difficult? I've seen God move enough mountains in my life to know that He will move this one too. It's not that I doubt Him, I just want it to look different. And I want it to be faster. And when it doesn't and isn't, I don't want to surrender.
I am so guilty of praying about something and trusting for it until I think it's been long enough. I reach the point where I think I've given God the time He needs and that should be the end of it. Then I either move on to the next thing or I take over this thing. Either way I lose.
So I have resolved to surrender. I'm turning it over. No matter how long it takes. No matter what it looks like. No matter the outcome. God will be victorious. He wants the victories in my life more than I do because the victories are what bring Him glory.
So I 'm in wait mode. And, in the past, when I've had to wait for something, my belief has become stronger. It's become deeper. It's become real. He doesn't promise it will be easy.
Steve shared some verses in Mark chapter 9 with me the other night. I've read the story many times, but this time it spoke to where I am today. It's where the man brings his demon possessed son to Jesus for healing. In verse 23, Jesus says to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." To which the man replies, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" (emphasis mine). The man confessed his struggle to believe and still, Jesus healed his son.
This is so reassuring to me. God does not require that I have all my belief issues worked out, He will minister to me regardless. And He will help me in my unbelief.
So I'm waiting. And as my favorite refrain in this song states "I will serve (Him) while I'm waiting, I will worship while I'm waiting..." That seems like a pretty good place to start.